just saying.

(recently posted in a bulletin)

i was writing something worthwhile.
when i read it over again and it made me entirely sad,
and i asked myself "what am i doing?"
so i tucked it away in a word document and closed it for the time being.
i wonder if you know how lucky you are.

I used to like it here
It just burns me out to remember

Can't you ever treat anyone nice?
Think I'm gonna make the same mistake twice?

cause he gets up in the morning,
And he goes to work at nine,
And he comes back home at five-thirty,
Gets the same train every time.
cause his world is built round punctuality,
It never fails.

i am having one of my really motivational late nights, where three A.M. rolls around and all i feel like doing is cleaning and organizing. i got my room picked up in about five minutes, which is really impressive taking into consideration the amount of papers, junk, and dirty clothes that filled every inch. now tomorrow all i have to really do is vacuum and dust.

i sent some emails on a bunch of promising flats and apartments in the ferndale/royal oak area. i hope i get some hopeful replies tomorrow. i have also been researching cars like crazy. picking just one house, one car... that i’m stuck with for a long period of time doesn’t come easy to me. but then again i just get that feeling when the right one comes along.

i am more or less worried that financially things will go under. my dad is flaky about paying rent, one month he is completely fine with it and accepts it for what it is, and the next he decides its about time to guilt trip me for no real reason what so ever. because either way, he’d be paying for a dorm or a place for me to live anyhow. so i really don’t see how this is different, from what i hear it is actually more affordable.

i am going to go make my bed, crawl in it and hope to get a good sleep in. i love knowing i have the day off tomorrow, and no plans until around 5. that means i get to wake up at my leisure, make coffee, and just chill out.

i love those mornings by myself.

i think my phone is really broken or haunted or both at the same time. therese texted me "howdy partner" at like 10 this morning, i have gotten that same text like 15 times randomly throughout the day... one including just now. and i know she went to bed hours ago.

it's starting to get annoying and actually kind of freak me out.

tired

today turned out to be alright.
my alarm was especially loud and obnoxious at 8:00 this morning.
i got up and went out to drive for ninety minutes.
the instructor that took me out was pretty good.
he was wise and balding, we talked about cats a lot and how we both share bad backs.
after that, frankye danni, my mom and i went to the library.
i got a few good books to read up north;
the tao of pooh, american nerd, victorian age in literature, perfect hair everyday, american photography, and finally the mane thing.

exciting.

cold dry air

I am writing this from my bed.

Today was exciting. I went to a bakery party with brandon in ferndale, and when we got there we couldn't figure out if we had the right house, and b was second guessing himself about the date. That was one of the funniest things, standing on this porch on Pearson poking fun at each other. "just go in." "no let's just go to the car and get the paper" then finally b got the guts to just walk in.

I have this issue with my nose being all congested when I wake up, and it runs and runs all day and really irritates my throat.

I am sleeping at my grandmas tonight. In my old room which is not at all my room anymore but its hard to say it ever was. I could never really get creative with it though looking back I understand my mummas intentions.

cravings

i really need some chocolate.
there is none in this house.

evening rant

I don't know what it is about me lately that seems slightly irrational. I feel uneven, antsy like i need to just get up and go go go.
I need to change housing. I need to change this and that.
Maybe I feel like I need to change because the things that need to change around me, aren't.
consequently i just change things within myself.
which could be either a good thing or a bad thing.
Nevertheless I have been cleaning and going through my things and trying to let go of stuff I have held on to for so long.
I am tired of the clutter in my room and when I move again I want to have just the basics.
I am really going to start reading again.
Seriously buying a book every time I finish one, and just reading it every night.

ugh

i hate living here with my aunt. she has issues with everything i do, how long it takes me to do it, how i do it.
now she's complaining because she's been in the bathroom for an hour, and i finally said i had to shower before work and she's all like "no because i have to do my hair and you take too long in the bathroom. dear god."
so what if it takes me 45 min to shower, dry my hair and curl it.
i am paying for the stupid bathroom.
not to mention she literally comes in my room when I am IN it... doing something... and turns my light off.
and when i say turn it back on she says "no because youre wasting electricity" when I am actually using it.
then... she leaves the television in the living room on and goes to take a shower.
that isn't wasteful?

as well as

i am dreading going back to school.
i feel like it will be hard for me, carrying all of the responsibilities that i currently have, to maintain the grade point that i want.
i just hope it isn't too stressful, considering i have to make sure i work enough to cover rent, food, and whatever else i may need/want.
yet i will need to make time to take lots of photos and dwell in the darkroom for as long as possible.
and of course, the conflicting schedules with friends and b.
i am also looking for a new place to live.
either way i'm sure things will work out.

summer bummer

i am missing one of my favorite shirts.
i am just hoping i didn't leave it somewhere, like up north.
well i guess there isn't too much i can do about this now is there?
besides keep looking and hoping it will turn up.

short prose

so sarah is gone to tawas and i am wondering if i will see her soon after she gets back,
albeit i haven't seen her in two or three months which if you ask me is just a ridiculous amount of time to go without seeing your best friend since first grade.
thus i have been spending most of my time with erin going to value world and almost every time spending 15 dollars on scarves, shirts, knick-knacks and vintage one-piece outfits. the jumper/one-piece i got was only .90 cents, but i think the bottom where the shorts meet the top is too baggy.
i wonder if this can be fixed?
also i am disappointed that every time i make plans with t they almost always, nine times out of ten fall through.
i can't wait to drive. if i had my license i think i'd generally be a much happier person,
and go exploring to all of these places i have on this list.
august thirteenth will be a glorious day for me, as i will be waking up at 8 am to drive for ninety minutes with an instructor.
i feel like i am well on my way!

distractions

so today i noticed that i dip just about everything in hommus.

it's not that i don't want you to have your freedoms and feel at home,
it's that i have to respect my own family.
and you're making it more hard and stressful on me,
not on anyone else.
i wish you would see past yourself for a second.
and just take some of the weight off of me.
but no, how you think and feel is always more important.
alas, i am often left feeling pissed off and stressed out because i am torn between two people i love,
and there is nothing i can do about my situation.

anguish

that part of me will always seem a little broken.

not enough napkins

today i came face to face with one of my own personal obstacles.
essentially, by choice.
i feel like i have impacted a select few people recently in not so positive ways,
people i even admit to love very much.
all of everything that has happened though, has happened for a reason.
some because i have made it happen, and some because i know it was bound to, and unstoppable.
every little negative thing has led me to open my eyes to something so bright and brilliant,
the only thing bigger is my smile.

One of the secrets of a long and fruitful life is to forgive everybody everything every night before you go to bed.

my brain went to bed hours ago

what the f.
i just heard some of the strangest noises ever coming from outside.
needless to say, i live in oak park now.
so i guess the weird noises and people hastily backing in and out of driveways like madmen is to be expected.
i feel so tired right now but really it's because i am bored and stuck in this weird sleep pattern (thanks alex) where i stay up late, normally doing nothing if im at home, and sleep in real late.
there's an empty can of vitamin energy on my speaker that makes me want one real bad.
le sigh

i get that feeling

how do you get days like this?
i rode my bike straight into the rain.
i stopped and just looked up and it was one of the most invigorating moments i have had in a long time.
id have to say the last one i had before that was when elliott smith was playing and we turned it up as loud as we could.
and i had looked up at the sky and it was dark and i felt like i had reached a new high. just one of those dream-like moments when you hear a song you really like that means a lot to you, and then you realize that life is not exactly perfect but pretty damn close.
i need to get back to that point again.
i went to a wedding today and id have to say weddings are so sentimental to me, and really are inspiring. i cant wait until i get to share my day with the person i am destined to be with, i have it all planned out in my mind.

continuum

i like it when people choose to wear contacts for a very long time, and then when they finally decide to wear glasses they look entirely smart and sophisticated.

i would like to buy a dozen of the same blank shirt and jeans and try to mimic this disposition, wear them every day, and then one day just wear something really wild and stunning. i would like to light up a day with such contrast and development. i'd seem so out of line, out of my mind.

fantasy versus reality

A lot of things have crossed my mind recently. I really want to know if there is one person out there that knows everything about you, your likes and dislikes, interests, what to say and what not to say... and more importantly when to say it. I just want to know that someone out there like that actually exists. I feel like that would be the person I would be the happiest with forever. It would just be mind blowing to know that someone has paid that much attention to the fine details, and actually isn't like every other person that looks past them. I guess in reality, no one could be that perfect to know exactly what you want, when you want it. But fairy tales, movies and just fantasizing keeps me hoping, wondering, and wishing that maybe there is someone like that out there.

I am well beyond the obvious mind games, poking and prodding at one anothers feelings hoping you can squeeze something out that doesn't truly exist. But you want it to be there because the thought of one more person you had poured your feelings into and believed in has let you down... just isn't tolerable. Maybe you see that little bit of shining light in that person, those few little fine things you remember you liked about them, that just keep drawing you nearer. That is where I have found myself numerous times. It is just that feeling of not knowing when enough is enough, I guess you just know when you know. When you're honestly done. When your brain and your heart are just tired, and your whole body is just ready to collapse and throw in the towel. My brain and heart lack the intelligence to know when to stop, but make up for it with the capacity to just keep on going, forgiving, and hoping. Sometimes being as forgiving as I am... just isn't as great as you think it would be. People are just so complex that I feel it is nearly impossible to distinguish right from wrong. I just hope that some day someone will know everything there is to know about me. That is the kind of person that is worth keeping around.

I just hope everyone finds what they're looking for.

calm before the storm

I am currently sitting on my porch up north. Its really muggy and hot and I am feeling quite uncomfortable with my sunburn. So far the trip has been quite enjoyable. Nothing really surpasses laying on an intertube on a lake for hours at a time, just reflecting on your life and things that have seemed monumental. Soon we are going to drive to lake michigan and have a picnic, and then go to brownwood. I think I will buy some jams for my oma. They make these delicious strawberry jams right there in brownwood. I like to get the honey straws. They also make the best homemade lemonade. I am starting to get hungry so I suppose I will end this here.

the whole truth and nothing but the truth

so help me god. i have been writing a lot lately. the feeling is empowering when you write something that you are genuinely satisfied with. so lately besides thinking of things to write, i have thought about the direction my life is headed. i don't know what i want to be, where i want to be, who i want to be. but as i walked to the mailbox today i had a thought that maybe what i will be is just going to hit me one day, like destiny. maybe one day i will be out somewhere in some public place, and be asked to star in a movie and move to hollywood. hey, its possible. someone will find me as something more than just another face.

love letters and farewells

I wish that we still wrote love letters like they did back in the 1700's.


"Adieu - Dearest, most beloved little wife - Take care of your health - and don't think of walking into town. Do write and tell me how you like our new quarters - Adieu. I kiss you millions of times." - Mozart

How quaint.
I am lucky if I get an unpretentious goodnight, see you tomorrow.

I keep trying to stay awake long enough to read these long paragraphs but my eyes keep crossing and my head feels warm. I can't seem to figure out what he's getting out of this. Some people literally thrive off of ruining other people's happiness to keep themselves alive. It is really, really quite depressing. i let you in my life with more space than you deserved to occupy.

but i like the woods

sometimes this is what i feel like.
more often than not.

room

I have a lot of things to do in the next few weeks.

I need to make a list.

up north
july 4th - july 9th or 10th

moving into new room
beginning july 11th

thrifting that week that i come home. i need to find:
many vintage picture frames, varying in shapes and sizes.
red comforter/quilt.

then i need to make a stop at jo-ann for some red acrylic paint.

i also need to purchase floral decor for my walls.

i have way too many misquito bites in the same place on my ankle.

is it me and you forever?

I am so tired, that I have been fighting to stay awake.
Sometimes I think I could make a pretty good movie through my eyes.

we could slip away, wouldn't that be better?

I feel young again.

I have noticed that a majority of the male population is systematic.
Though, there is still a list of things I can't seem to comprehend.

a slur of words and letters

Well I'm off to bed. Once you get to know me its not so bad. I'm a dork and I have a bad memory and do really silly things. Goodnight. Oh I'm sorry! It's not like I don't think you're beautiful! It's just one guy from around here. He plays with robots and stuff dancing around on stage. I don't know if it's good or bad, ha. I'm still a bit shy to talk to you. and I'm usually not shy around most people. So i guess that says a lot for ya? you were having a bad night beacuse you shouldve been at the DIA with me! RE: Rainy Eyes. It was alright, It went up and down. Now it's coming back up. how come you got to get into the show for free? 2 2 close. I am sick of mopping that fucking bakery. Wish I knew what you were looking for, might I know what you would find. that would explain why I never see you on, i thought it was POST THE ART WORK. any big canada plans or chi-town plans for the big day or what? ttyl Rachle Marie. Well get it done! I want to see you outside of work! those make me laugh. you two. we should hurry while its still warm! how much longer......... I guess you didn't remember me telling you to never leave your purse in the car in Detroit. You put up new pictures of yourself!? No way!!! ;) I like that one you have on there right now it's cute. get over it! Why are you online you said you were going to bed?!?!? Oh, I used to live in Chicago for a short time. The view from our window was the skyline of downtown. P.S Your camera is also more than invited (that is if you're not afraid to have it around a bunch of rowdy rudys) Do you think I'm weird or something? tell me if you don't want to talk, or if you're not in the mood? the computer will be gone sooooooon! So call me sometime tonight!!!!!!! p.s I had another dream about you last night.

That reminds me of one of my favorite quotes... "Life and Art are different, that's why one is called art and one is called life."

in a world that is constantly revolving.

Do you know the feeling of falling in love with every inch of someone's body?
I fantasize about that feeling.